Thursday, November 29, 2012

I am the ultimate celebrity stalker. Stay jealous my friends.

So upon trying to write this post I realized a couple things....
1.  I am a celebrity stalker.  2.  I am borderline crazy.  3.  I am a celebrity stalker.
Unfortunately though it hasn't really gotten me anywhere as of yet.
But hey I got the stalking part down.

Like when my 10 year old self was obsessed with The Moffatts.

My favorite started out being the oldest Scott DUH...
...and then I fell in love with his younger brother Clint...
I was straight doing the Caterpillar Crawl Ya'll and seriously thought that he liked me ya know in my imaginary teeny bopper mind.
And there was that one time that I begged my Mom, to near death on her part I am sure, to go see them in concert at a local mall.  And when I say local, I really mean t was over 100 mile away.
I guess she could see the desperation in my eyes because she fell for my pleads and away we went.
I couldn't sleep for a good two weeks before the concert.
Crazy talk considering how much I need sleep at this point in my life.
I may, or may not, have pushed my way through the hundreds five or ten girls so that I could be front and center.
AND I MEAN NOTHING was getting in my way of Clint falling in love with my poofy dried out cuz mama made me get a perm every other month holla  full head of an ENTIRE can of Aquanet hurrrrr.
Poof...  Oh I mean "proof."
Oh and duh my sparkling blue eyes.
Oh and they sang.
To me.
I was in like flynn...
Running away with the band.
I followed them to their signing booth and may, or may not, have made my Mom drop an easy 100 smacks on some awesome autograph worthy material.
A T~shirt that I literally threw away maybe two years ago because it was ripped and holy and DAMMITISHOULDAKEPTTHATSHIT.
A tape that I listened to so much it wore out.
...and a couple of posters.
So when I slipped Clint my digits (home digits that is because duh cell phones were not even heard of for a 10 year old at this point) I just KNEW he was going to call me.
So I waited.
...and I waited.
...............................AND I WAITED.
Then I did what any normal girl at eleven year old would do.
I went looking through their contact information in their tape case and if you guessed that I called the BOLD PRINT phone number in the insert.
Well you guessed right.
Yes, I did.
Shaky 11 year old hands and all.
Left a message with my squeak and super awkward voice telling their manager how I thought I should be in the band.
As a back up singer.
And obviously he was going to call me back right away and fly me to Nashville on the Red Eye because OBVI I had some real talent.
I even sang a little diddy on the phone.
Wanna know what it was?
None otha than Whitney Houston, "I Will Always Love You."
Two weeks later I got a letter in the mail stating that they weren't currently looking for any back~up singers.
Suggested I start taking some vocal lessons and enclosed a FAKE photographed picture.
Needless to say I cried myself to sleep for a month straight and then moved on to bigger and better things when I saw this band on MTV (ya know back when they actually played videos)...

And this blond haired cutie dove me head first into Teenybopperhormonalcrazed Drive.
I had every square inch of wall covered in my bedroom with their pictures.
Memba when you actually bought magazines, pulled the pages out, and scotch taped the shit out of your walls.
Only to tear it off a few years later and have your Mom straight flipthefuckout because apparently paint and scotch tape don't mix.
Moving right along.
I was determined to meet these dudes.
A good friends of my Mom that was a tad younger took me to see them when I was 15.
I cried.
During the entire show.
Screamed until I had no voice.
And cried some more.
Me at a Britney Spears concert.
Upon leaving I made her wait out in the cold so I could see them getting on their tour buses.
Cuz ya know Nick was going to see me and realize we were destined to be together, sweep me off my feet, and take me away to live forever in his house on the beach.
Well I saw them...
They all waved.
But no love at first sight connection happened.
And this is back when disposable cameras were cool and I can't even begin to think of where those pictures would be.
I did get a wave.
I may have also begged and pleaded for her to follow their tour bus across the Indiana State line...

THEN these three MMMMMMhawties came into play.

They grabbed my ass (unfortunately not literally) with their catchy tunes.
If you thought I had hit the cray cray train already you were wrong.
I do believe their was a 48 hour period of time during the summer of 1997 that I listened to their album on repeat for that entire time.  Pausing only to use the shitter and eat some grub.
Never got to see them in concert.
Like ever.
Never Marcy?
No neva.  Like eva.
And it STILL haunts me to this day so lets move along...

Okay I have another one, but without the pictures to prove it.
Because my Mom fails and I was only 6.
She woke me up one morning at the crack ass of dawn to go stand in a never ending line and freeze my baby tits off for Garth Brook tickets.
Okay I say that like it was no big deal but my 6 year old self loved me some Garth Brooks.
Like the time I stood on the coffee table when my Mom had about ten of her friends over and belted out "Friends in Low Places."
So after selling out four shows, somehow with the lottery draw we got, we were first in line for the fifth show.
We got front row tickets.
AND I totally got to give roses to my dude.
I am sure he remembers me...
How could you forget this face?

Oh that's right you couldn't...
And then there was last year.
We did the Susan G. Komen Walk for the Cure.
AND I got to meet, actually talk to, and get a picture with...............



Try not to be too jealous.
Oh and if your not local you won't know whointhehellthisguyis.
Oh well.
We acted like two chubby kids in a candy factory.
Or two adult versions of ourselves with an unlimited supply of Michy.
But that's neither here nor there.
This would be John Matarese from WCPO Channel 9.
He does a segment on how to not waste your money.
I obviously don't ever actually listen to what he says...  Just ask my Husby!
And I doubt this will even count BUT I literally have Jason Aldean living in muh hizzy.

Kinda blurry but you get the gist.
My Man in all of his glory with a mustache of course!
He typically resides in my basement but makes his scheduled appearances when necessary at all of our get togethas.
He also scares the holyfuckingshitoutofme when I go downstairs in the dark and think their is an escaped convict coming to slash my thraot.
Then I turn on the light.
He looks that real.
He is staring at me right now.
I know right?
I told you not to be toooooooooooo jealous.

Lisa: Maybe if I show some leg he will pay attention to me?
Me: Well why your working on that... Come here baby and give mama a kiss!
Now go link up with my girls because if I am being honest they are the shit and your lame if you don't.
Gawd he's sexy!
Just me?
I got jokes people.
 BUT this isn't one of them.
Kal and I won a part of the Powerball.
A whole whopping $26.00 worth.
Roll that up and smoke it wouldja????
Now if I could just convince him to use that money and come take his hawt ass wife out to lunch...
Hmmmm I am obviously digressing!

Tootles muh lil' mustache luva's!


  1. Too funny. I was in love with the Backstreet Boys as well. My sister and I went to see them in concert too.

  2. $26 in the Powerball! That's more than all FOUR of our tickets won us! You and your Jason Aldean crack me up!

  3. Girl, I want Jason Aldean living in my basement... I could have all kinds of fun with that cowboy! Thanks so much for linking up... you are too funny!

  4. That Jason Aldean is amazing! Haha I wish I had him living in my house.

  5. Oh my god... I am dying. Again, the videos of the girls crying! HAHAHAH That was me for three effing years.

    And you would do the Caterpillar crawl?! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

    I love it... I lvoe you.. SOO SOO SOOO FUNNY!!

  6. Made me laugh!! If you ever get the chance to see Hanson nowadays I highly recommend it. They put on a good show but be warned.....Hanson fans are the WORST!!! Be prepared to tell a 14 year old to back the f@$ck up. Not my HUSBANDS finest moment :-/ gotta love a man who will take you to see Hanson :)