Friday, November 30, 2012

Friday's Letters inspired by people that actually DO exist...

Fridays are days where my brain turns to mush and I throw myself on the floor like a screaming toddler because I don't wanna be here work, blog, work, and blog a little more.
Ya ya know while I am stuck here at work my Husband is stealing all of Miss P's kisses and soaking up here giggles.
Not cool.
So in order to make myself not fall off the edge and descend into a river of tears because I miss my baby I decided to hop over to Pinterest.
Low and behold I found something that made me pee a little in my britches from laughter.
It also happens to be my inspiration for my Friday's Letters!

Dear Burger King Womans, Are you REALLY that lazy or is your Burger King just THAT slow?
This woman at Burger King.

Dear Cat Lady, SERIOUSLY...  I like rallllyyyyyyyyyy wanna know how it is to be a cat?
This girl who is also a cat.

Dear Starbucks Guy, Are you like the updated 2012 version of Zach Morris?
This dude at Starbucks.

Dear Granny, Do your legs get tired from hanging out of the cart?
This grandma at the grocery store.
Dear sweet children o'mine, Will you push me around in a grocery cart like this when I become old and fragile?

Dear Doritos Girl, I gotta give you props on your creativeness but I hope you washed the bag before you made the bow...
This girl wearing a Doritos bag in her hair.

Dearest Mr. PULLYOURGDPANTSUP, I just have one question?  Okay maybe two...  Do you honestly think this is the least bit attractive and do you know what it really means to wear your pants below your ass and ESPECIALLY below your knees????  All I can say is I hope you never end up in jail...
This dude.

Dear fellow Mustache lover, You are cool in my book.
This guy who shaved his chest like this.

Dear Ecstamy,  How does it feel to have millions of womens be jealous of you?
This woman living in ecstasy.

Dear Fist Eater, Do you think this is going to make a guy actually respect you?
This girl eating her own fist.

Dear Eleventeener, You might want to think about actually doing some studying while your at the library.  I can assure you this picture isn't your best look anyways...
This girl just doing her homework.

Dear Cheese Head,  You are a woman after my own cheesy heart BUT you don't really like cheese do you??
This woman eating a block of cheese.
Ya, I didn't think so...  Couldn't tell you did at all!

Dearest Husband, I told you to quit carrying our children around Sams like this!
This parent carrying a child.
I kid.  I kid.

Dearest  Eeyore impersonator, I have ALWAYS wanted to do this.  Please tell me that it was as awesome as I think it is?
This girl blow drying her teeth.

Dear Miss Poofy, I do believe that you have the poof down, and we all know I love a good poof, BUT it definitely doesn't need to be bigger than the size of your own head mmmmk?
This girl with super big hair.

Dear Lady,  How in the hell did this happen?
This woman who couldn't fit in her theater seat.

Dearest Wheelchair Rider,  Did you legitimately think it was going to work?
43 People You Won't Believe Actually Exist



Who cuts their own bangs at 6AM?

Well this was me last night.
Did I seriously just drink all that?

If your bffs friends with me via Facebook then you already know this from the post I tagged you in.
So really when we planning to do the damn thing?

I can't be more essited that it's Friday.
It just seems like the further we get into winter the longer the weeks are and the harder I find it to get out of bed.

That is except for this morning.
When I was woken up by the dark barking and my Husby's snores.
He's lucky I love him.
So what does any other normal person do when they have two hours to spare getting ready for work?

They decide to cut their own bangs.
Photo: So this is what happens when I am bored and wake up over two hours before I need to.  I cut my own bangs.  Love.  Ps to all the hairstylist I have had who said my bangs would not do that...   well here ya go!
I must say I shocked the shit out of myself.
Because I am in luhhuuuuuuuvvvvvvvv with them.
Good thing I didn't decide to do this after downing the entire two bottles drinking those three glasses of wine last night ;)

Which brings me to my next point.
Wine makes me feel like a legit alcoholic.
One minute the bottle is full.
And poof before I know it I have downed a whole bottle of wine in no time flat.
Does anybody else ever feel this way?
Guess I need to just stick to the box considering it will last me a longer period of time.

Oh and if you are at Walgreen's anytime soon go see if you can find this little diddy.

Photo: Call it what you want but I am obsessed with this eyeshadow paette and it was only $3.00 make ya holla honey boo boo.<br /> #imcheap
Best $3.00 I have ever spent.
And the colors are gorgeous.
I would never steer you lovely ladies wrong!
I might get you lost a few times....
But I always eventually find my way ;)

Like I said last night I think I am living in the wrong decade.
Photo: Minus the chest area because God did not find it necessary to bless me with boobs in the 50's this was sexy...  and I am obviously living in the wrong decade...<br /> #feelnlikeafatty
In the 50's this was considered hot.
Now in 2012 this is considered hot.
I just want to save these girls.
Regardless of what a fatty I am feeling like I would much rather have my curves than NOTHING at all.
Like my Husby says...  "I like something to hold on to!"

Have ya'll seen this floating around any of your social networks?
Well if you haven't check it out but be prepared to cry!
I know.
I am all rainbows and sun shining from the crack of my ass over here for a Friday!

I so can't wait until it's 5 O'clock somewhere.
I am ready for a drinky drink.
Oh and ya know...
If you are friends with me via Facebook be ready for some more tagging!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Bad Santa or this weeks edition of It's Ok!

Its Ok Thursdays
Linking up with the beautiful Neely & Amber 
It's Ok!
~If I am a legit celebrity stalker.
I'm watching you...
Creepy much?
~If I thought this was post worthy.
Gawd I should stick to drinking out of the box instead of crafting...
~If I do a happy dance every time I appear on somebody else's blog.
~If I agree with Honey Boo Boo on this one.
Me shopping for Christmas decorations.
How fun.
~If I do NOT go to the Mall and spend a gazillion dollas and wait in line for hours upon end all to end up with my kids being disappointed cuz Santa had a fake beard and he smelled like smoke and booze.
Oh no!
I wait for Santa to come to their school for free, we get there fifteen minutes early to be first and line, and woila I get a free picture and the chitlins are happy because Santa was actually fat and had a real beard and smells like suga cookies.
PLUS they are serving free Chik~Fil~A.
It's a win win if you ask me.
~If I actually cried when I saw this picture that my Aunt took from Thanksgiving.
What can I say?
I love my Daddy!
~If I threaten my friends and other random people for drinking the hateraid and dissing my beloved Wildcats with a spork.
Anger management?
~If I do my best to color coordinate when my favorite team has a game =)

My craft skillz bring all the boyz to da yad'

My Pinspiration for this week was:
Pinned Image
And I just kinda went with it...
Try not to be envious of my incredible craft skillz.
And I didn't feel there was any need to take pictures of every step BECAUSE it involved a lot of cursing and a legit tear from getting stabbed by a pointy twiggamabobber on the wreath whilst I was wrapping.
All ya gotta do is get some tinsel in whateva color you want.
I was boring and went with silva'.
Get one of these guys.
Cut the little twiggamabobbers off.
Mine didn't have those but whatevs.
Wrap the shiz out of it with said tinsel.
Pop a bow on it.

I am the ultimate celebrity stalker. Stay jealous my friends.

So upon trying to write this post I realized a couple things....
1.  I am a celebrity stalker.  2.  I am borderline crazy.  3.  I am a celebrity stalker.
Unfortunately though it hasn't really gotten me anywhere as of yet.
But hey I got the stalking part down.

Like when my 10 year old self was obsessed with The Moffatts.

My favorite started out being the oldest Scott DUH...
...and then I fell in love with his younger brother Clint...
I was straight doing the Caterpillar Crawl Ya'll and seriously thought that he liked me ya know in my imaginary teeny bopper mind.
And there was that one time that I begged my Mom, to near death on her part I am sure, to go see them in concert at a local mall.  And when I say local, I really mean t was over 100 mile away.
I guess she could see the desperation in my eyes because she fell for my pleads and away we went.
I couldn't sleep for a good two weeks before the concert.
Crazy talk considering how much I need sleep at this point in my life.
I may, or may not, have pushed my way through the hundreds five or ten girls so that I could be front and center.
AND I MEAN NOTHING was getting in my way of Clint falling in love with my poofy dried out cuz mama made me get a perm every other month holla  full head of an ENTIRE can of Aquanet hurrrrr.
Poof...  Oh I mean "proof."
Oh and duh my sparkling blue eyes.
Oh and they sang.
To me.
I was in like flynn...
Running away with the band.
I followed them to their signing booth and may, or may not, have made my Mom drop an easy 100 smacks on some awesome autograph worthy material.
A T~shirt that I literally threw away maybe two years ago because it was ripped and holy and DAMMITISHOULDAKEPTTHATSHIT.
A tape that I listened to so much it wore out.
...and a couple of posters.
So when I slipped Clint my digits (home digits that is because duh cell phones were not even heard of for a 10 year old at this point) I just KNEW he was going to call me.
So I waited.
...and I waited.
...............................AND I WAITED.
Then I did what any normal girl at eleven year old would do.
I went looking through their contact information in their tape case and if you guessed that I called the BOLD PRINT phone number in the insert.
Well you guessed right.
Yes, I did.
Shaky 11 year old hands and all.
Left a message with my squeak and super awkward voice telling their manager how I thought I should be in the band.
As a back up singer.
And obviously he was going to call me back right away and fly me to Nashville on the Red Eye because OBVI I had some real talent.
I even sang a little diddy on the phone.
Wanna know what it was?
None otha than Whitney Houston, "I Will Always Love You."
Two weeks later I got a letter in the mail stating that they weren't currently looking for any back~up singers.
Suggested I start taking some vocal lessons and enclosed a FAKE photographed picture.
Needless to say I cried myself to sleep for a month straight and then moved on to bigger and better things when I saw this band on MTV (ya know back when they actually played videos)...

And this blond haired cutie dove me head first into Teenybopperhormonalcrazed Drive.
I had every square inch of wall covered in my bedroom with their pictures.
Memba when you actually bought magazines, pulled the pages out, and scotch taped the shit out of your walls.
Only to tear it off a few years later and have your Mom straight flipthefuckout because apparently paint and scotch tape don't mix.
Moving right along.
I was determined to meet these dudes.
A good friends of my Mom that was a tad younger took me to see them when I was 15.
I cried.
During the entire show.
Screamed until I had no voice.
And cried some more.
Me at a Britney Spears concert.
Upon leaving I made her wait out in the cold so I could see them getting on their tour buses.
Cuz ya know Nick was going to see me and realize we were destined to be together, sweep me off my feet, and take me away to live forever in his house on the beach.
Well I saw them...
They all waved.
But no love at first sight connection happened.
And this is back when disposable cameras were cool and I can't even begin to think of where those pictures would be.
I did get a wave.
I may have also begged and pleaded for her to follow their tour bus across the Indiana State line...

THEN these three MMMMMMhawties came into play.

They grabbed my ass (unfortunately not literally) with their catchy tunes.
If you thought I had hit the cray cray train already you were wrong.
I do believe their was a 48 hour period of time during the summer of 1997 that I listened to their album on repeat for that entire time.  Pausing only to use the shitter and eat some grub.
Never got to see them in concert.
Like ever.
Never Marcy?
No neva.  Like eva.
And it STILL haunts me to this day so lets move along...

Okay I have another one, but without the pictures to prove it.
Because my Mom fails and I was only 6.
She woke me up one morning at the crack ass of dawn to go stand in a never ending line and freeze my baby tits off for Garth Brook tickets.
Okay I say that like it was no big deal but my 6 year old self loved me some Garth Brooks.
Like the time I stood on the coffee table when my Mom had about ten of her friends over and belted out "Friends in Low Places."
So after selling out four shows, somehow with the lottery draw we got, we were first in line for the fifth show.
We got front row tickets.
AND I totally got to give roses to my dude.
I am sure he remembers me...
How could you forget this face?

Oh that's right you couldn't...
And then there was last year.
We did the Susan G. Komen Walk for the Cure.
AND I got to meet, actually talk to, and get a picture with...............



Try not to be too jealous.
Oh and if your not local you won't know whointhehellthisguyis.
Oh well.
We acted like two chubby kids in a candy factory.
Or two adult versions of ourselves with an unlimited supply of Michy.
But that's neither here nor there.
This would be John Matarese from WCPO Channel 9.
He does a segment on how to not waste your money.
I obviously don't ever actually listen to what he says...  Just ask my Husby!
And I doubt this will even count BUT I literally have Jason Aldean living in muh hizzy.

Kinda blurry but you get the gist.
My Man in all of his glory with a mustache of course!
He typically resides in my basement but makes his scheduled appearances when necessary at all of our get togethas.
He also scares the holyfuckingshitoutofme when I go downstairs in the dark and think their is an escaped convict coming to slash my thraot.
Then I turn on the light.
He looks that real.
He is staring at me right now.
I know right?
I told you not to be toooooooooooo jealous.

Lisa: Maybe if I show some leg he will pay attention to me?
Me: Well why your working on that... Come here baby and give mama a kiss!
Now go link up with my girls because if I am being honest they are the shit and your lame if you don't.
Gawd he's sexy!
Just me?
I got jokes people.
 BUT this isn't one of them.
Kal and I won a part of the Powerball.
A whole whopping $26.00 worth.
Roll that up and smoke it wouldja????
Now if I could just convince him to use that money and come take his hawt ass wife out to lunch...
Hmmmm I am obviously digressing!

Tootles muh lil' mustache luva's!