Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Please proceed with Caution...

I feel like I need to come with a Warning label today:

"Please proceed with Caution"
I was in such a rush this morning.
Okay, well, like that is different than every morning...
If you know me IRL, you probably know that I am not a morning person.
Like not even a little bit.
I will wait until the very last second to get out of bed.
So I was rushing around like a crazy person trying to get myself and two of my girls together and out the door.
Plus the dog who was getting groomed this morning...
I take a thyroid pill every day for hypothyroidism and my sweet Shelby takes ADHD medication.
Pipe the fuck down all you non-medication people!
I get the medication out, yell at Shelby for the third time to come in the kitchen and take her meds, and before I have realized it I am handing her my pill as I am swallowing hers...
I now feel like at any moment I could naw my ear off?  
Climb the wall like Spiderman?  
Run a marathon?
I believe this is what geeking out on a hard drug might be like.
So naturally I took advantage of this feeling and ran my ass off at the gym.
Ain't she cute?  LOL
I haven't been able to run more than two minutes at a time for as long as I can remember.
Today I ran 6, and would have ran more, but dammit I have had two kids and I had to pee.

Moral of today's story:  SLOW THE FUCK DOWN Y'ALL.

No, In all seriousness...

Slow down. We're often rushing to "do stuff"; to "get things done." But life is not primarily a to-do list, even if there things that need to get done. A priest friend told me about a seminary buddy who remarked, "if all you do is do, you'll get doo doo.":

Goals for today:
Workout for at least 30 minutes
Drink a Gallon of water
Stay within my calorie limit 

Who's with me?!
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Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Cha Cha Cha Changes...

It started with a schedule change two years ago.
Going from working out during lunch for five days a week consistently, to barely having time at work to use the restroom.
Then being miserable at my new place of employment.
To finding a job that I love but still not finding "me" time to take care of myself.
A few extra treats here, lunches out, no working out, and two years later here I sit 60 pounds heavier.
I keep thinking to myself, "How did I get here?"
I have said that over and over and over to myself in my head.
But honestly...
I know the answer.
I ran away from the gym instead of running towards it like I should have been.
I quit tracking my meals.
I quite frankly quit caring about myself.

I keep telling myself, "You have done this once before, you sure as hell can do it again!"

I knew I needed a plan.
I knew I needed support.
I have both of those now so I think I am finally ready to get my ass back to where I know I can be.

Here are my goals for the next 30 days:
~A gallon of water a day
~At least 30 minutes of exercise (hit 30 active minutes on fitbit tracker) for 5 days out of the 7 day week
~Track ALL meals in MFP
~Keep a positive mind

That last goal I believe is the most important.
I have been so negative towards myself for far, too long.
To the point where I don't even want my own Husband, who loves me more than anything, to see me undressed.
I can't even stand the thought of it right now.
To be touched is a huge feat in itself.
I feel like I am one big ball of fluff.
How can I even be attractive right now?
So many horrible thoughts go through my head and this I so badly want to change.
I want to be the confident Wife my Husband deserves.
I want to be the Happy and Active Mom my children need...
And I need to be the Friend I haven't been in months.
I have been hiding.
Running away from everything.
It's so easy to hide the pain with a smile but you get to a breaking point where you no longer can do that.

It's now or never...

Who's with me???

Current Weight:  225
Goal Weight:  150

Next Weigh-In:  Fri-Yay

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Monday, March 21, 2016

What's waiting for you just around the bend...

It's a funny, funny thing.
One minute you are on Cloud 9...
The lowest weight you have ever been, supporting and encouraging people all around the world...
And then, what seems like the blink of an eye, you have gained 60+ pounds.
You have lost your drive and direction somewhere along the way.
Leaving the house sometimes seems terrifying.
I have found comfort at the bottom of an empty container of ice cream, rather than sweat dripping on the floor beneath me at the gym.

Something happened to me today.
It was almost like the flip of a switch.
I think I am tired.
Tired of feeling like I have to hide, sometimes even from my own Husband.
I want to be the person I was two years ago.
I want people to look at me and be proud of me.
I want somebody to be able to look at me for inspiration.

So here I am, yet again, being extremely vulnerable.
Putting it out there for all to see.
Zero fucks given and zero sugarcoating because that's truly who I am.

Monday, March 21st 2016
Today I woke and put a smile on my face.
I started the day with a 30 second plank that I must admit I did not finish the whole way through.
I am almost to the bottom of my gallon of water and I am staying within my calorie range.
Today was cardio.
10 minutes of arc trainer and 30 minutes of running for .10 of a mile to walking for .10 of a mile at a 1.0 incline.
I will not eat my feelings today.
I am better than that.
I will smile.
I will try my hardest to be positive, even in trying times.

Current Weight:  225 pounds
Goal Weight:  150 pounds

Who's with me?

"You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. You're human, not perfect. You've been hurt, your you're alive. Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt, for we will never know what is waiting for us just around the bend"...
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