Monday, April 1, 2013

April Fools or Fool?


Hey, ya'll! This is Kira over at She Can't Shut Up! And since Marcy has totally flaked on you today, I'm going to guest post and give you something to read! So if you get bored later you should go check out my blog. I talk about how awesome and fun pregnancy was, the insanity of parenthood, and other fun sarcastic things.

In case you didn't get the memo Google Reader is disappearing soon. So go follow me on BlogLovin!

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So, what do I have in store for you lovelies today? Well, I have no idea. So I decided to gross you out on this lovely Monday morning.

Enjoy. No need to say thank you.

Let me give you some background. I was pregnant from October 2010-July 2011. It was the longest 9 months of my life. I had a perfect pregnancy. No complications (well, until I pretty much died in labor), but what I did have was EVERY FREAKING SYMPTOM. Which means I threw up for 3 months, had swollen legs, had acne, "glowed" aka sweat everywhere, had amazing hair that always had vomit in it, slept more than a narcoleptic, couldn't poop to save my life, and was generally a cranky miserable bitch. Fun, huh?

What follows is a post I wrote about Hemmoroids. Seriously.

I have previously talked about my issues with constipation. For the most part that has cleared up. Very exciting thing, pooping regularly.


I was no longer concerned about my bowel movements or the repercussions of not having regular movements. Little did I know.

Apparently, one of the awesome side effects of pregnancy is hemorrhoids. Those things that have the awesome commercials and tell you to buy Preparation H? Yup.

You get those when you get a baby. I thought that they appeared when you actually HAVE the baby because you push so hard that you burst blood vessels. I was worried, but not overly.

Imagine my excitement when I realized that is simply not the case and that you can get these lovely hemorrhoids any time! I jumped up and down, I squealed like a little girl, and pretty much though I'd won the lottery.

(Obviously this is not me. I was NOT that skinny then, or now. This bitch has great legs, though)

This is otherwise known as having a breakdown and crying (mind you my foot/ankle was huge, my leg hurt all the way up, my butt hole now is exploding, I pulled something in my back, I had heartburn, my lungs were squished so I couldn't really breathe and NOW I have a growth in my butt!).

I will spare you the details of the creams and solutions to this lovely problem, but needless to say they will probably get worse before they get better. I am awaiting this amazing cauliflower butt with bated breath.

Update: They didn't get worse. I dealt with nasty butt bumps the rest of my pregnancy. But, I had a C-Section because I almost died so didn't get full on labor style Cauliflower Butt. Thank the good Lord.

We shall see if Marcy ever asks me to guest post again!!

Have a great Monday, beautiful ladies (and the random guy who reads)!


                    

8 comments:

  1. lol this was very interesting! lol gosh I never want to be pregers now!

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    1. Girl, I am the best birth control ever made. Seriously. But I made an insanely cute baby!! Worth it!

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  2. Sounds about like my pregnancy... Super fun!

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    1. Right?! I wan another baby but when I go back and read this I am not quite sure why!

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  3. Lol really makes me want to have a kid sometime soon

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    1. Oh girl. The baby is freaking adorable, but I will never forget that shit!

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  4. Girl who you tellin? My ass was flamin, and she will...Let you post again that is, shes crazy too:)

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    1. Seriously. It sucked. I will never forget when I found te first one. I made my husband look to make sure it wasn't the baby popping out my ass or something.

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