Friday, April 5, 2013

The downside to Crossfit...

It's Friday!  It's Friday!
Gotta get down on Friday!
So I am doing my absolute best to put my happy face on and enjoy this day!
For one I am off of work and it is absolutely beautiful outside!!!
I am however not going to deny that I am super bummed that I am not on my way to St. Louis to see my home girls and spend some time away from reality with my Husby!
It just means there are better plans in store and trust me there is!!!
In the meantime I asked my blog boyfriend Jakey-Poo to guest post for me today and even though I am off I am still busy as hell.
If you guys don't know Jake yet you are missing out!
He is heelarious and likes the word fuck just about as much as I do so without further adieu...
Hey Ya'll- I am Jake from The Life of Jake
My Photo

This is a story about one of the most horrible things in the world. I promise I am not normally so gross, but....
I met the Devil. I know I have said that some things in my past have appeared to be the Devil here on Earth, but now I am certain I have come in contact with the Satan himself. Things in the past have tested my patience including, but not limited to Flu and Strep and stomach virus in the same week (while in New Orleans, but ignored it); being stuck on the interstate for hours on end without moving a tenth of a mile; driving on any road trip more than 4 hours; being on a plane to Denver with no air and a farter beside me; having three special needs kids in one class that I am not prepared to educate; bad decisions leading to even worse mornings; and so on...
This my friends was the worse thing I have ever experienced. You know how I have mentioned I have been doing crossfit exercises? There are so many benefits to this type of workout. And if you are wondering, Crossfit is not the "Devil" in the aforementioned paragraph.
You know where I am going with this. I am sorry if I gross you out, but I tell about my life and the occurrences I experience. There is a first time for everything, and this new first is something I hope is the last.
You know what you get from straining too much....hemorrhoids.
I went to the lovely, ever so warm and inviting teacher's lounge bathroom. It was my usual, 8:40 poop, after first period (funny I mention "period"--just wait) as I do every day. So the rhoid I have decided it would be like a beach ball when too much air is inserted. It ruptured. I mean like, I heard a pop. I went to wipe and it looked like red velvet cupcake batter. I have never seen so much blood in my life. Immediately, I feel faint. Luckily, I had the water running in the nearby sink so no one would hear my kids being dropped off at the pool. I splashed my face with water, and then decided it was time to try to stop my hemorrhaging. One WHOLE roll of toilet paper later and almost an entire package of Preparation H wipes, it stopped long enough for me to walk over to the nurse to get my (even for me) humiliating prognosis. It seemed like I was "dripping" so I went to her bathroom and dealt with the massacre again. It just wouldn't stop bleeding. She knocked on the door and asked if I wanted a fucking pad to wear in my underwear. I was done. So embarrassed. I lied and told her it stopped. It only stopped because I stuck a kleenex up my butt hole.
After much online research, I learned I had a thrombosed hemorrhoid, meaning that mother fucker has a heartbeat. I can feel it. 
So then at lunch, one of my teacher friends told me it looks like I sat in some chocolate. FANTASTIC. So now, not only do I have to deal with the little monster, I feel like a per-pubescent 7th grade girl who just got my first period. That's real neat.
I ran to my classroom and sat in the chair the rest of the day.
Do not strain too hard. You will be sorry.
until next time....


  1. HOLY SHIT...that is horrible! OMG...yep that is why working out is bad for you!

  2. ohhh me gosh! I'm laughing so hard even tho I shouldn't be!!

  3. I AM WEAK!!!! I am honestly sorry for your misfortune but am delighted that you shared. Thanks for the laughs this morning.

  4. This may be the funniest thing I have ever read. (I am sorry for your discomfort though) I will never look at Red Velvet Cupcakes the same way again. My poop schedule usually is around 7:55 am and again at work around 10:30 am.

  5. Oh my goodness!!!


    Now you know what it's like being a girl

  6. I feel bad for laughing at your pain but your descriptions make it funny. I love reading your blog. Oh and.. I will never be able to eat Red Velvet Cakes again... and that is my fav.

  7. OMG LOL!!!!!!! I cant stop laughing. I wish you would have taken a picture. Of your pants not naked sicko HAHAHA!

  8. Hands down... Best guest post ever!!!

    I had a rhoid once, and didn't even know it. I found out about it when I was giving birth to my son. I think it went away, but I am not sure...

  9. Trying not to laugh at work while I read this is causing me to strain ... OH NO

  10. I am seriously sitting here rolling. And thank you so much for ruining red velvet cake for me... who am I kidding, I would still shove that stuff down my gullet faster than you can say "thrombosed hemorrhoid." :)

  11. People I work with think I have some sort of issue as I'm laughing so hard I'm snorting. I'm close to launching straight into a flat out wheeze.

  12. This is hilarious, and I'm trying not to laugh here at work, you are a great story teller! I also had to share with my coworker, she has the same crazy sense of humor as I do :)

  13. So my guest post last week was also about hemorrhoids. :) Marcy has such great friends!

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