Friday, December 7, 2012

Friday's Letters: Dear Husby Edition

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Dearest Husby~


We really have to work on that snoring of yours'.  Even though it makes for

good pictures and funny comments it's not fun to sleep next to.  When you can be louder than a freight train (literally) I think there is a problem.  If you wake up with bruises or a headache in the morning it is simply because I just couldn't take it anymore, you wouldn't wake up, and I did what any crazy normal person would do.
I beat you.
In your sleep.
Let's get you some help so this doesn't land me in jail for spousal abuse.


I know it is a hard job to take out the trash once a week and empty the dishwasher every now and again but to prevent me from having a TOTALFUCKINGMELTDOWN little break down like last night...
Could you please maybe help out a leetle more so I don't have to be such a crazybitch sweet and innocent nagging wife.


Do NOT slam your phone down in the middle of the night when you have to get up with the baby because for some reason (even though she hasn't done it since like the first month she was born) she decided she was famished at 2AM.
First off you rarely EVER have to do that and secondly your off today meaning you can nap wheneverthefuckyouwant so just stop it.
It's seriously no way to put a smile on this noggn'.


What will put a smile on this noggn' of mine is, for example, the sweet comment you wrote on my Facebook status this morning.
The X Factor Pepsi PreShow GIF of the Week!
Those things are smile worthy.
What's also smile worthy is when you put the clothes in the hamper instead of on TOP of the hamper.

Oh and please tell me why you waited until after we were married to fart in front of me.
...and all the time for that matter.

Hell you even manage to do it in your sleep.
So badly that I had to get up and exit our room...
I mean I literally was tasting it.
Can you say FUCKINGGAGME?????

Like I legit passed out...

You coulda warned me.
Would it have made me re-think marrying you.
No...  probably not (lol) BUT STILL.
*ps this may, or may not be me, drunk in a bathroom white girl wasted after free drinks @ Veils & Coctails.  I keep it classy around these parts ladies.  This IS in fact what I looked like though upon smelling and then passing out from the smell of my Husby's stank*

Oh and QUIT buying those goddamndeliciousfuckingKrogersugarcookieswiththesprinkles mmmmmk?!
I am trying to win us some monies honey!
So stop it.


Regardless of mybitchfest I love you more than life itself.
You have shown me a love and provided me an amazing sense of security that I will never be able to re-pay you for.
You are an amazing Husband, and Daddy, and we obviously make cute babies together.



Our life isn't perfect.
But our life is good.
Real good.
NOW GO WATCH NEAT FREAKS AND LEARN SOMETHING...
Then go clean our hizzy so I don't have to be a spastic lunatic on arriving home.

Love,
Your AMAZING and might I add SMOKINGHAWT Wife

This totally should have graced the cover of Vogue...

...and this one, too.  Tan lines and all...


5 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHA! I had a good laugh reading your letter today! :)You guys are funny! enjoyed all your pics too. Hoot and a Holler!

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  2. OK I am your Snooki to your JWoww with the passout pic for realz hahahah! You would have totally pee'd behind a bar no joke lol! So when was this crazy night ha? I am loving your something blue in the form of a UK team so funny and yes you could hit the cover of Vogue like nobodies business your hott!

    OMG the hubs does the snoring thing at times too, omg I try to fall asleep in between snores it's so funny Kelcee even laughs. Hahahahah about the tooting the hubs can clear the room in a second flat too, he just did last night, and I'm sure he will love I blasted it for the world in this comment ha!

    You sure showed me love with the Jersey Shore Pics the Sammi and Ronnie fights are always off the hizzy and um Angelina I'll insert eyeroll for just thinking of her haha!

    OK so this was so funny, I know I'll get a big arse laugh out loud when I read your post and you all do make pretty babies!

    lurve you
    Snooks I mean Sums ha!

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  3. Oh my god, as if I could not love you any more!!

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  4. This was so great!!! I can totally relate. My husband left all kinds of shit on the counter this morning so I sent him a pic and asked him when the maid was coming =]

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