Monday, June 10, 2013

If I am being honest...

I could sit here and type all sorts of wonderful things to make you think I have rainbows and sunshine beaming out of my asshole.
That's not me and I can assure you I don't.
Do I know it could be worse?
Do I know there are tons of people that would trade their lives with mine?
I know that I have amazing things in my life.
An amazing family, etc.
Unfortunately right now that doesn't help my heart.
I am just sad.
There is no way around it.
Without going into too much detail things just suck right now.
Sick family members, financial set backs, friendships, etc.
It's all hitting me and it's hitting me hard.
Everybody else is just walking around fine.
Laughing it up and living their lives.
And then there is me.
I wish I could be more like my Husband.
I know I have said it before but he is an amazing person.
He just does his own thing and doesn't let anything get to him.
He can move on.
I feel like I am just stuck.
Stuck in quick sand.
I am angry.
I feel hurt and betrayed.
By life in general these days.
Am I really that awful of a person that things keep happening in my life and I feel like I just take two steps back instead of even one step forward.
That I always end up getting punished for things that are not my fault?
That in every situation I do something wrong...
It's like I am always fighting a losing battle these days.
I was literally feeling the worst I have felt in days getting up for work this morning.
I could not pull the frown off my face to save my life.
I did my best to suck it up for the kids until I dropped them off at their Gran's and I lost it.
My tears matched the rain that was falling all around me.
I did my best to pull myself together when I saw my Husband.
It semi worked but he knows I am sad.
Unfortunately he mistakes my sadness for a bad mood.
That's tough.
I am not angry at him.
I am just miserable and I guess it comes out as anger.
Once in the car after getting my coffee I did start to feel a little better.
Traffic was terrible and I was literally staring at the bus as I pulled in the lot.
I knew he saw me so I figured he would wait.
I stepped out of the car into about 6 inches of water.
Then my coffee lid came off and I ended up pouring it all the way down the front of me.
I am almost positive I have third degree burns on my boobs and stomach.
I haven't even looked yet.
All of this and the bus driver took off.
Just left me there.
I am sure in several years maybe I can look at this and laugh.
Today, today I just want to cry.
I want to scream.
I want to throw the biggest three year old tantrum you have ever laid eyes on.
I just keep asking myself Why?
Why me?
This could not have happened on a more craptastic day than it already was.
I hope that soon I see the reason behind all of what I am going through right now.
I do believe a lesson is learned in everything.
Just not sure what wreaking of coffee, burnt tits, and soaked shoes is supposed to teach me but I am keeping an open mind...
I hope everybody had a better start to the day than I and hopefully I will be back tomorrow with a better attitude...


  1. It's okay to have off times. It makes you appreciate the blessings in life when they come your way. Lots of hugs and support today.

  2. I have been in the place many times and it sucks. I HATE so much to see you hurting. Just know that I love you and you have EVERY right to feel, how you are feeling. It will get better, I promise. My grandma always told me, "it's always darkest before the dawn."
    I love you my sweet, beautiful, kind and loving friend. You will be forever in my thoughts and prayers...

  3. I hope everything gets better sassy pants!

  4. Sorry about this season you're in. Sometimes for me, crying helps. I look awful, get a headache and have makeup running everywhere...but, letting it out seems to be better than keeping it in. Have a good shower-cry tonight. Hoping things get better very soon!

  5. Sorry Marcy! I wish I could just give you a hug.

    I feel pretty much the same way about a lot of things in my personal life right now.

    It's okay to be down. It happens to the best of us. Just know that you have a ton of people who care about you and are there for you if you need to talk.

    Love you!!

  6. Some days, weeks, months, and years SUCK! the year we lost my cousin was a horrible year. I can now see how much came from that year, but at the moment all I could see was anger and sadness. So do what you need to do to pull yourself out or just get by and when everything is said and done, you will be able to look back and see the good and peace that will come out of this period in your life. Prayers are with ya girlie!!

  7. Awww! I hope it gets better really soon. Hang in there!

  8. Saying a prayer for you girl

  9. Bummer of a Monday! I'm so sorry! Hang in there. It's hard sometimes to shake things I know what you mean. Just hang in there. Know that you are being thought of !!

  10. Hoping your day gets better. I know sometimes its hard to see the rainbows through all of the shit you're dealt. Love ya girl!

  11. Hugs and happy thoughts coming your way :) Try to remember that HE or whoever is in charge will only give you as much as you can handle - that helps me sometimes when it all gets to be too much and if that doesnt work, go lock yourself in the closet and have a good scream/cry :)

  12. Email me tomorrow when you are at work, love! Seriously. Keep your head up. This too shall pass.

  13. Well shit. I'm sad you're sad. Truly. We don't really know each other, but it starts to feel like you do after following a blog for awhile. Just know you are in my thoughts . . . Hugs to you.

  14. I've been meaning to text you ALL day. And now I read this! I'm sorry you're sad
    :( I feel like that sometimes. I get in a funk and don't know how to get out. I can sit here and tell you to try and be positive or what not, but fuck that shit. I know what it's like. Just keep today's ass and tomorrow start off better. Cry it out if you need to. Tell someone off. And if people don't appreciate you... fuck them! Surround yourself with those that love YOU. xo