Monday, October 7, 2013

Mumbo Jumbo...


I had big plans for today...
Yeah!  It's Monday!  Start to a new week, let's do this!
 
Unfortunately, when I woke up panic stricken staring at the bright green glow of the alarm clock across the room glaring at me with large numbers proclaiming it was 6:47, all I could do was sob.
I hysterically got myself as ready as I could...
Brushed teeth, brushed and hair sprayed my hair, got dressed, took my meds, packed all the bags and started the car with the heat full blast because it was a chilly 49 degrees, and got the baby all ready to go.
No makeup.
Somehow I managed to do all that and semi pull myself together and was pulling out of the driveway at 7:04.
My Mom is a saint.
She drove to work so that I could apply at least some coverage to my face.
Y'all my face is a mess.
I look like a nasty pre-pubescent pizza face.
It's terrible.
For the longest time I blamed it on the Mirena I had put in this time last year.
Then I really got to thinking about when it all started.
It started in June.
The same time I was initially told about my Pawpaws cancer...
Can stress and depression really do this to ones face?
I have tried everything.
Nothing helps.
Not only is it embarrassing but it's painful.
I have been able to keep it somewhat under control but this past weekend it has gotten really bad.
As my Pawpaw gets worse, it gets worse.
That's just a side story so sorry for getting off track.
 
This weekend was just not good for me.
I feel like I am treading water like my life is depending on it and getting nowhere.
I look around...
People are laughing.
They are happy.
They are moving along with their day as planned.
I can't.
I try.
I don't know if it's guilt?
I don't know if I am just that depressed?
I really try to hide it well but I think people are beginning to notice.
My stomach hurts constantly.
I can't eat forever and then all the sudden I become a ravaged beast and eat everything in sight.
Then the process starts again.
Mostly I can't eat though...
Which I know is NOT healthy.
I do NOT condone it at all.
 
 I just want to be my old happy sassy self.
I am praying desperately for her to come back to me soon.
 
I want to feel like the strong woman everybody keeps telling me that I am.
Why does everybody think that except me?
I don't feel strong.
 
Last night was the first night that I think everything really hit me.
I cried.
I bawled.
And to be honest it's taking everything in my power to not lose it sitting here at the front desk at work.
Maybe it was what I saw this past weekend?
I don't know?
Maybe it was what I was told...  We will be lucky if he is here by this upcoming weekend...
I don't know?
 
Facebook status last night:
I've ran errands for my Gran, helped move my Pawpaw around in his bed, helped get him up... All things I just never thought I would be doing or seeing. I've been pretty hush the last week but I'll just say this... He's in pain but I do believe in my heart he's ready and he's at peace with everything... I'll never be ready to say goodbye to that man but I know God is getting ready to save my Pawpaw from his pain and I am ready for that...

I am in no, way, shape or form ready in the slightest for this man to not physically be here.
I am thinking back to the man he used to be...
The moments we would go fishing, he would take me to Martin's and buy me a coke and let me play on the game machine sitting at the end of the counter, how we would go for rides on the tractor, the time I ran into the front pillar of the house with the lawn mower and thought he would be soooooo mad but he just laughed at me and said we would buy a new one...
Those memories are so painful in ways and ease my pain in others.
I can only hope that the man with the red beard will be tending to his farm up in heaven sooner rather than later.
I think he is ready.
I know he is at peace.
I know that he would not want us to see him like this and he doesn't want us to hurt.
How can you not hurt though?
Seeing him live like this is the last thing I ever thought I would have to do.
Yet, there I sat all weekend just watching him slowly die a little more...
 
My thoughts are so jumbled.
 
I feel like I want a million people around me at all times yet I want to be left alone.
I want to cry.
I want to scream.
 
Most importantly...
I want to be able to be happy, to laugh, and celebrate my Pawpaw's life and be strong for him.
He would NOT want to see me like this.
I know that.
But saying all that is easier said than done and everybody knows that.
 
Out of everything and the rush I was in this morning I still managed to pack my workout clothes.
I haven't worked out in over a week.
I will admit it.
I have been a shell of myself.
If it's the last thing I do I will go to the gym at lunch.
I will do something.
I am not promising big things.
I am sad.
It's hard to get out of bed when your sad, let alone do any sort of physical activity.
But I will be there doing something even if it's just walking on the treadmill.
I know it's better than nothing, and I know my body needs it.
 
 
I know this has been a mumble jumble mess and not what anybody really cares to read.
Just reaching out to people that have been through this.
I have read the little blue book that tells me everything to look for...
But talking to people that have actually went through it and seen things with their own eyes I think would help me much more than some words typed out with no emotion behind them...
 
 
PS Just know I feel your prayers...
 
 

16 comments:

  1. I am sending so many prayers your way lady! Love ya!

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  2. Praying for you all!! I've been in your shoes and its devastating even when you know its best for him.

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  3. Thinking and praying for you and your family. Love you.

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  4. Oh that Vince Gill song...I can't listen to it without shedding a few tears. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will get through this time. I lost my grandma almost 3 years ago and while it wasn't confirmed to be cancer (she refused to let them open her up to find out), we all knew it was. Watching the strong woman that I loved all my life waste away into a shell of her former self was one of the hardest experiences of my life. I just remember the day she passed feeling such relief. I know it sounds awful, but I was just so relieved to know that she was finally at peace, finally free from pain. I knew that the way she was living her final days was NOT the way she would have wanted it. All of her family seeing her in that condition was NOT what she wanted. Of course it will be hard, saying goodbye always is, but you will come out the other side grateful for the many wonderful memories you have of your Paw Paw and grateful to have been lucky enough to have such a wonderful man in your life for so many years. And then you will tell these stories you just told us and instead of feeling sad, you will laugh. Hugs to you, friend and prayers for strength in the difficult days ahead.

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  5. Thinking and praying for you Marcy. I wish I could take your pain away!

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  6. I've been reading your story all along and have wanted to comment, but it's just all too real and raw for me. I can relate to everything you say. How life can so quickly get so far beyond our understanding or control. The realization that we are really not in charge of anything and have to surrender to what happens to us. I have lost my only sibling, my mom and then my dad. I have watched someone die slowly and have received the shocking phone call in the middle of the night telling me that a young, healthy person is gone. Neither is easier. It is all painful, heart wrenching, and devastating. You will keep going. One day at a time. Don't expect yourself to be anything. Just be. Honor that man. Love him through the journey he is on and then let your people love you as you let him go. Love.

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  7. Thinking of you and your family Marcy... You know if you need to talk, I am here. Been there... done that.... As they say. Love your face!

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  8. I've been there. I sat with my grandma during her last days. They were the hardest days of my life. I came to the realization during those days that the lady I was sitting with was no longer my grandma. My grandma had been gone for a while. When she finally passed, there was an over whelming sense of peace we all felt. I pray you feel that too when the time comes. Know that I'm praying for you and for a peaceful passing for your Pawpaw. It will not be easy, but lean on those that care. They will comfort you.

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    1. The song, "Life Ain't Always Beautiiful" got me through some of the worst days of my life. No one promised life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

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  9. I am totally here for you. And know exactly what you are going through. I just lost my grandmother two weeks ago and just laid her to rest on Friday. She had Alzheimer's and in the end it was entirely to painful and she was put on morphine to help ease her breathing. I only hope your family can find comfort.. Prayers and Love heading your way. <3

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  10. Prayers and Hugs for you!! Hang in there!!

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