I have written this post in my head a thousand times since yesterday.
I actually started typing it last night and ended up deleting the entire thing.
Still I sit here shaking and with tears in my eyes.
Nobody likes to admit failure.
I am just hoping that with my story I can help somebody else.
I often times get asked why I share so much and that is why.
I have always had a big heart and want to help as many people as I can.
I just feel like right now with what I am facing I have let some people down, I have let YOU down.
Binge eating is an eating disorder in which a
person eats a much larger amount of food in
a shorter period of time than he or she
normally would. During binge eating, the
person also feels a loss of control.
If you will remember correctly I hit 152 last Wednesday actually hitting 151 that very next morning.
I couldn't believe it.
I was on top of the world.
So I ate.
I ate because I was truly happy and enjoyed it.
One Girl Scout cookie turned into an entire ream...
One spoonful of ice cream turned into half the tub...
A chip here, a chip there, and over half the bag was gone.
I ate until I was physically sick this past week.
Waffles for a midnight snack...
Because that's totally normal!
I was STILL killing it in the gym.
Hell I ran 5.5 miles straight on Saturday.
Your body doesn't care though.
You are hurting it so badly.
I have been sooooooo sick and honestly was avoiding my weigh in for the diet bet like the plague.
I didn't end up weighing in until last night and when I saw the numbers on the scale I literally fell to my knees.
You read that right.
I gained 16 pounds in a week.
It's okay I will give you a minute to pick your chin up off the floor and let the shock wear off.
I wanted to share this because the struggle is 100% real.
It hurts so bad and it is incredibly painful but one thing I am not is a liar.
I will not sit here and lie to you and unless you do it yourself nobody understands just how much this blog means to me.
I am so passionate about my story and what I am trying to do.
I think there are a lot of women who really want to focus on being perfect.
And that is okay...
I understand I am a perfectionist myself.
But it's really hard to relate to.
I want people to relate to me and understand me and support me just as I support them.
I have suffered with it all.
Anorexia, binge eating, purging, and every other thing you can imagine.
There are times where I think I have conquered it.
And times like today where I realized I still have more work to do.
My initial reaction after this happened last night was to starve myself.
Not that I did, nor would I, but the thoughts are still there.
I am doing what I do best though.
I am admitting it, taking responsibility for it, and picking myself back up today.
It isn't Monday but it is a new day, a new opportunity to be better than I was yesterday.
If you are going through, or have gone through, something similar I want you to know you are not alone.
I know it feels like it but it's not the case.
I will get through this and I will come out on the other side better than ever.
I know I can and I will.
My tattoo says it all...