Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Loss of control...

I have written this post in my head a thousand times since yesterday.
I actually started typing it last night and ended up deleting the entire thing.
Still I sit here shaking and with tears in my eyes.
Nobody likes to admit failure.
I am just hoping that with my story I can help somebody else.
I often times get asked why I share so much and that is why.
I have always had a big heart and want to help as many people as I can.
I just feel like right now with what I am facing I have let some people down, I have let YOU down.

  • Binge eating

  • Consult a doctor if you have a medical concern.

  • Binge eating is an eating disorder in which a 
  • person eats a much larger amount of food in
  • a shorter period of time than he or she 

  • normally would. During binge eating, the

  •  person also feels a loss of control.

  • If you will remember correctly I hit 152 last Wednesday actually hitting 151 that very next morning.
    I couldn't believe it.
    I was on top of the world.
    So I ate.
    I ate because I was truly happy and enjoyed it.
    One Girl Scout cookie turned into an entire ream...
    One spoonful of ice cream turned into half the tub...
    A chip here, a chip there, and over half the bag was gone.
    I ate until I was physically sick this past week.
    Waffles for a midnight snack...
    Why not?
    Because that's totally normal!
    I was STILL killing it in the gym.
    Hell I ran 5.5 miles straight on Saturday.
    Your body doesn't care though.
    You are hurting it so badly.
    I have been sooooooo sick and honestly was avoiding my weigh in for the diet bet like the plague.
    I didn't end up weighing in until last night and when I saw the numbers on the scale I literally fell to my knees.

    GOAL WEIGHT160.9

    You read that right.
    I gained 16 pounds in a week.
    It's okay I will give you a minute to pick your chin up off the floor and let the shock wear off.
    I wanted to share this because the struggle is 100% real.
    It hurts so bad and it is incredibly painful but one thing I am not is a liar.
    I will not sit here and lie to you and unless you do it yourself nobody understands just how much this blog means to me.
    I am so passionate about my story and what I am trying to do.
    I think there are a lot of women who really want to focus on being perfect.
    And that is okay...
    I understand I am a perfectionist myself.
    But it's really hard to relate to.
    I want people to relate to me and understand me and support me just as I support them.

    I have suffered with it all.
    Anorexia, binge eating, purging, and every other thing you can imagine.
    There are times where I think I have conquered it.
    And times like today where I realized I still have more work to do.
    My initial reaction after this happened last night was to starve myself.
    Not that I did, nor would I, but the thoughts are still there.

    I am doing what I do best though.
    I am admitting it, taking responsibility for it, and picking myself back up today.
    It isn't Monday but it is a new day, a new opportunity to be better than I was yesterday.

    If you are going through, or have gone through, something similar I want you to know you are not alone.
    I know it feels like it but it's not the case.
    I will get through this and I will come out on the other side better than ever.
    I know I can and I will.

    My tattoo says it all...
     photo signature_zps875a1fd2.jpg


    1. Oh sweetie. I'm right there with you. I ate and entire sleeve of Trefoils on Saturday and then ate another entire sleeve on Monday. G.S. Cookies are the devil! I posted about this today too on my blog.

      ((((HUGS)))) You WILL get back on track! We're in this together!

    2. Marcy I am going thru the struggle with you - the emotional/psychological part of weight loss for me is the toughest.....the whys and why nots....but you have inspired me to go one day at a time and do what I can ARE awesome Marcy. Love you.

    3. Hop back on the wagon and KILL IT! You can do it because you've already done it!

    4. (((((hugs)))))) I have been in this SAME EXACT situation too many times to count. I am the same way...I eat when I'm happy...when I feel good (plus when I feel crappy and sad). I love food...I love it. It's that simple. Yes I feel AMAZING and in control when I eat right...and my body is HAPPY. So how and why do we get off track and do this...I just don't know. I'm still trying to figure this out.

      But girl...I KNOW you will get back on track, you WILL get through it! You've come a long way...and I know you're not stopping!!!

      Thank you for posting this. I know I haven't commented forever on your blog...but love keeping up with you on FB etc. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!! YOU WILL DO THIS!!!!


    5. Oh Marcy, I'm so sorry! I've been there, its a shitty place and one that's hard to stay away from. You are doing the right thing though, owning it and moving on. Every time I realize what I've done, own it and pick back up, it's longer before it happens again. Those lbs are permanent and you'll have them off again in no time!

    6. You gained the weight and you will get it back off - You had an amazing week and you had some great news to celebrate. I have been having problems with my eating habits too - why is food so good?

    7. I am dreading the girl scout cookies that will be arriving in a little over a week. You CAN and WILL get back to that number. We all love and support you!

    8. Jump right back on that train girl--it may have derailed, but you haven't. 16 pounds in a week sounds like a something is wrong with your scale--even after all you ate--Thanks for being so honest--that is what this is all about. I think we are healing ourselves by sharing our journeys!! Love you girl!!! xoxo

    9. Turn your set back into a come back lady! You've got this!

    10. Your honesty is why I love you so much. Thank you for sharing, thank you for being real. But mostly thank you for getting back up and dusting yourself off because that's what I need to hear, that's the encouragement I need. So thank you.

    11. Thank you for being so honest. The struggle is, indeed, very real.

    12. I have been having my own pity party this week. I was doing so great this year. This year it finally "clicked" I'm meal planning and working out everyday like a BOSS! This weekend, I hurt my back. I mean bad. I can't workout, I can barely lift my legs to walk. When it happened, all the wheels fell off my wagon. Since Sunday I've eaten 4 large chocolate chip cookies a bag of Hot Fries, a bag of gummy worms and 2 Oatmeal Crème Pies, Damn you little Debbie! All while I was not hungry nor did I need any of those snacks. Thru my tears last night as I downed an oatmeal crème pie I said "You're only doing this because you can't workout" Because when I workout I eat better, if I'm not working out... meh, Why bother?? Why do we sabotage ourselves like that! I know exactly what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, I just need to strength to stop. Now more than ever I need to eat right since I'm not able to burn the calories off.

      I'm a new reader and something made me click on your blog button from Operation Skinny Jeans. I'm sorry you are having a rough time but just know I did need this post. I needed to know I'm not alone. Thank you for your honesty. I look forward to reading more about your journey.

    13. I also think its this time of year, we are all sick of this god awful weather and we get a little depressed. Im here honey!! Hang on, it will change again! I promise!

    14. Marcy thank you so much for sharing your struggle. I am seriously struggling right now between being "good" and bingeing. It is bad. I hope to break my cycle soon. We love your honesty and we support you! <3

    15. Thank you so much for sharing this, Marcy! I've always struggled with binge eating, too -- especially when I'm happy/wanting to celebrate something. So I totally get this post! Big hugs to you... you're going to get back on track & feel amazing!

    16. My heart seriously dropped as I read this post, because I know exactly how it feels. Are you able to get a good gauge on whether those 16 pounds are legitimate or not? The bulk of them may just be water retention from the sodium. You are amazing, girl -- for where you were, where you are now, and where you're going. You'll be back down before you know it!! <3

    17. (((Hugs))) Girl.. SHIT HAPPENS!! I know it sucks but accept it and then move on! You got this.. You are one of the blogs I love to follow and you are a huge inspiration to me and others! This mini setback just shows you are human! Thank you for sharing this as hard as it might have been for you. But by sharing it you are keeping yourself accountable and having us do the same. <3 Keep your head up! We LOVE YOU!!

    18. I feel ya, friend! It truly is a journey with twists, turns, ups and downs. You've got this! ❤️❤️❤️

    19. The whole body image thing sucks!! I hate what "sexy" is supposed to look like. Why can't we be sexy in our size 12 jeans?? I'm a new follower but I can totally relate to this. I haven't had eating issues, but I love food and beer. Looking forward to hearing more about your journey and cheering you on!!

    20. I love how real this post was. You continually put it all out their about your struggles and successes and that is awesome! You look awesome girl and I know you will get where you want to be! You are so dedicated!

    21. I'm a new reader! Just found your blog recently, and I'm so glad that I did! I know exactly where you are right now because I struggle with binge eating too and understand the struggle of doing so well and losing weight only to gain a ton from losing control for a week or so. Thank you for being honest and open about it. That is really hard to do. You just have to pick yourself up and get back on track.