Mumbo Jumbo...

I had big plans for today...

Yeah!  It's Monday!  Start to a new week, let's do this!

 

Unfortunately, when I woke up panic stricken staring at the bright green glow of the alarm clock across the room glaring at me with large numbers proclaiming it was 6:47, all I could do was sob.

I hysterically got myself as ready as I could...

Brushed teeth, brushed and hair sprayed my hair, got dressed, took my meds, packed all the bags and started the car with the heat full blast because it was a chilly 49 degrees, and got the baby all ready to go.

No makeup.

Somehow I managed to do all that and semi pull myself together and was pulling out of the driveway at 7:04.

My Mom is a saint.

She drove to work so that I could apply at least some coverage to my face.

Y'all my face is a mess.

I look like a nasty pre-pubescent pizza face.

It's terrible.

For the longest time I blamed it on the Mirena I had put in this time last year.

Then I really got to thinking about when it all started.

It started in June.

The same time I was initially told about my Pawpaws cancer...

Can stress and depression really do this to ones face?

I have tried everything.

Nothing helps.

Not only is it embarrassing but it's painful.

I have been able to keep it somewhat under control but this past weekend it has gotten really bad.

As my Pawpaw gets worse, it gets worse.

That's just a side story so sorry for getting off track.

 

This weekend was just not good for me.

I feel like I am treading water like my life is depending on it and getting nowhere.

I look around...

People are laughing.

They are happy.

They are moving along with their day as planned.

I can't.

I try.

I don't know if it's guilt?

I don't know if I am just that depressed?

I really try to hide it well but I think people are beginning to notice.

My stomach hurts constantly.

I can't eat forever and then all the sudden I become a ravaged beast and eat everything in sight.

Then the process starts again.

Mostly I can't eat though...

Which I know is NOT healthy.

I do NOT condone it at all.

 

 I just want to be my old happy sassy self.

I am praying desperately for her to come back to me soon.

 

I want to feel like the strong woman everybody keeps telling me that I am.

Why does everybody think that except me?

I don't feel strong.

 

Last night was the first night that I think everything really hit me.

I cried.

I bawled.

And to be honest it's taking everything in my power to not lose it sitting here at the front desk at work.

Maybe it was what I saw this past weekend?

I don't know?

Maybe it was what I was told...  We will be lucky if he is here by this upcoming weekend...

I don't know?

 

Facebook status last night:

I've ran errands for my Gran, helped move my Pawpaw around in his bed, helped get him up... All things I just never thought I would be doing or seeing. I've been pretty hush the last week but I'll just say this... He's in pain but I do believe in my heart he's ready and he's at peace with everything... I'll never be ready to say goodbye to that man but I know God is getting ready to save my Pawpaw from his pain and I am ready for that...

I am in no, way, shape or form ready in the slightest for this man to not physically be here.

I am thinking back to the man he used to be...

The moments we would go fishing, he would take me to Martin's and buy me a coke and let me play on the game machine sitting at the end of the counter, how we would go for rides on the tractor, the time I ran into the front pillar of the house with the lawn mower and thought he would be soooooo mad but he just laughed at me and said we would buy a new one...

Those memories are so painful in ways and ease my pain in others.

I can only hope that the man with the red beard will be tending to his farm up in heaven sooner rather than later.

I think he is ready.

I know he is at peace.

I know that he would not want us to see him like this and he doesn't want us to hurt.

How can you not hurt though?

Seeing him live like this is the last thing I ever thought I would have to do.

Yet, there I sat all weekend just watching him slowly die a little more...

 

My thoughts are so jumbled.

 

I feel like I want a million people around me at all times yet I want to be left alone.

I want to cry.

I want to scream.

 

Most importantly...

I want to be able to be happy, to laugh, and celebrate my Pawpaw's life and be strong for him.

He would NOT want to see me like this.

I know that.

But saying all that is easier said than done and everybody knows that.

 

Out of everything and the rush I was in this morning I still managed to pack my workout clothes.

I haven't worked out in over a week.

I will admit it.

I have been a shell of myself.

If it's the last thing I do I will go to the gym at lunch.

I will do something.

I am not promising big things.

I am sad.

It's hard to get out of bed when your sad, let alone do any sort of physical activity.

But I will be there doing something even if it's just walking on the treadmill.

I know it's better than nothing, and I know my body needs it.

 

 

I know this has been a mumble jumble mess and not what anybody really cares to read.

Just reaching out to people that have been through this.

I have read the little blue book that tells me everything to look for...

But talking to people that have actually went through it and seen things with their own eyes I think would help me much more than some words typed out with no emotion behind them...
 

 

PS Just know I feel your prayers...